The point of meditation is to help us be happy. To help us be more joyous, relaxed and content in our own lives. To do this we need to learn how to look into ourselves for this happiness not to always have to seek it around us. The three basic concepts during this insight meditation retreat we spend our time working with through walking and sitting meditation are Suffering, impermanence and non-existence. I would learn to become good friends with these ideas at metaphorical gun point, especially suffering and impermanence. Suffering came to hang out with me as of day one. My lower back and the insides of my legs hurt so bad after 5 hours of meditation walking and sitting. Day two when I moved up to eight hours, I knew I was in for a good round of suffering, and this first day is when I sat down with my first teacher, Lady monk Picany Acut-yaknee (one of the three lady monks of the monastery). After prostrating(bowing) to the Buddha and then to both Picany and her assistant translator Meche Canlot-yaknee, I found myself looking at a human being that was shining loving kindness.
Picany literally radiated happiness with the most beautiful smile, and I knew that I was blessed to sit with her as a teacher. Our first few meetings would be only five minutes and she would ask “Doran how are you?” and each day I would say “I’m suffering my back hurts the insides of my left thigh hurts and my brain runs all the time”. She would respond to this with a big smile and “good, good very good, your becoming friends with suffering.” Somehow this answer would leave me confused, frustrated yet inspired for my next day of meditation. However as the meditation grew in time, meditating 9 hours, 25 minutes sitting 25 minutes walking, meditating 9 hours 30 minutes sitting 30 minutes walking, my suffering only grew. My body was so sore my brain running as I sat and walked. About day five when I sat with her she asked “Doran how are you?” I respond “I am suffering and doubtful, I want my meditation to be better and at the next level but its not”. And she left a beautiful pause, smiled, and responded “see things as they are, not as how you wish them to be”, this response floored me as if someone had thrown back the window curtains to reveal the sun to the dark room where I had been living. This one simple phrase had described not only how I looked at meditation but the way I had looked at so much of my life, always wanting it to be something else instead of seeing things honestly and beautifully just as they were. I left this meeting so inspired for the next day
However that exuberance did not last long, because Day Eight was when I hit the wall of my mind. I had my worst day of meditation, I was tired, restless my meditation all felt all bad, with only a few glimpses of quietness in my brain. When I sat down with Picany, I was close to tears and filled with such doubt I was going to ask if I should just leave, because I didn’t think I was getting anything from it. She could see my discomfort, and when I told her about my bad meditation she smiled a gentle smile paused to put the right words into English, she then responded “Have you ever notice that human beings are very much like trees? Trees and Humans both need many things to grow. Look at yourself as a tree, Like a tree needs water to grow (good meditation) It also needs dirt and manure. Dirt and manure are not clean they are dirty (bad meditation), so bad meditation is just as important as good meditation, so good meditation, bad meditation doesn’t matter they both help you grow. This was such a beautiful shift of perspective to the entire way I was looking at the situation. I had spent so much time trying to achieve something through my meditation without realizing that the process of the meditation and training my perspective was the important part. She ended our meeting by handing me some crackers and a yogurt drink and said “for your suffering”, never have I so much enjoyed crackers and yogurt in my entire life.
On day ten I was told that my new teacher would be Ajan Suphan, the Abbott of the Monastery that had returned from a tour of other Monasteries and enjoyed meeting with foreign students and work on his English. I said goodbye to Picany and went to the abbot’s office to meet Ajan. Now Ajan truly smiled with a heart of tender love and kindness but his smile also had this hint of playfulness and when you sat before him and felt his presence you were not surprised in the slightest that he was an Abbott. As the days went on he started me down the path to the end of the Program. Each day he would end our meeting with the saying “talk less, eat less, sleep less, know more”.
By day 15 I was meditating somewhat successfully 12 hours a day 1 hour walking, 1 hour sitting, and less successfully trying to sleep only 5 or 4 hours a night, sleep and food are two of my most beloved things, and only two meals a day 4 hours sleep and trying to meditation 12 hours, that is a form of torture, but in the end all it was doing was testing my limits and preparing me for determination. On day 18, I sat down with Ajan and he announced with very little warning that I would be starting the end of the program called determination.
Now for determination you are confined to your room except to meet with you teacher, not allowed to speak to anyone and not allowed to lay down to sleep. Your two meals are brought to your room as is water, and if you want to sleep you have to do so sitting up. I semi resigned to the fact that more suffering was coming received my instructions for day one. Now to assume I actually made it throw three days without sleep? No way, I slept at least two to three hours a night. The point is to test and push your limits and the hours I did sleep were seating leaning against the wall or seated and waking up face first on the floor, so not quite what you would call restful. Day one you sat with suffering, more walking meditation then sitting, and day two you sat with impermanence counting your seated breaths on a strand of mala beads. Not sense the sleep deprivation of college have I been so tired, so exhausted, but this all proved a purpose. When I went each day to sit with Ajan he would say “how are you?” and my response was “ I am so tired my body and mind are exhausted.” He would respond “but how does your heart feel” and in truth my heart felt soft, open and raw. Going into day three I assumed it would be the hardest, and I was so tired I didn’t know if I would make it. For day three Ajan told me “today sit with happiness, because that is the point of all of this, we do not put you through these things to make you miserable, you put yourself through these things because you want to be happy.” I in my tiredness aks” how do I sit with happiness?” he responded “sit with your heart.”
I went back and tiredly sat down to meditate and had one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. All the work and testing and the tiredness had stripped away the barriers around the heart and left it naked and open. Despite my exhaustion I sat for 20 minutes just smiling. I didn’t feel my tired body or my running mind, I just felt the warmth of my heart like rays of sunshine washing over me, in truth I felt like I was floating because I hardly felt my mind or body at all, of course thoughts came back, and I had to let go of the experience but what a beautiful feeling. Once I had that I knew there was no going back and that my spiritual path had truly begun. I went to my closing ceremony in tears of happiness for the experience that had come to me. After the closing Ceremony you are allowed to ask for advice for the future and I asked” how do I remember these things? It is easier to stay connected like this at a monastery, but how out in the real world, with work, relationships, and difficulties do you remember all this?” and Ajan reached for his cell phone (because all monks have cell phones that they use to stay in touch with other monks friends and family) and pretended as if he was answering a call, but then shaking his phone as if broken he looked at me and said” like a cell phone you must remember to charge your batteries, because if you don’t charge your batteries how do you stay connected with the world?” I sat there in semi disbelief that this Abbot had just not only cracked a joke but made a life lesson out of a cell phone, what a teacher. What a beautiful simple message he was saying to me “meditate, and take time to rest and sit with yourself and continue to open your perspective, because this will help keep you feeling alive and happy”. Leaving the monastery I felt like I was entering the world with a little secret tucked into my pocket and having just witnessed one of the most beautiful and difficult experiences I had encountered so far in my young life.
